Friday, December 20, 2013

One of the worst things about Aspergers is the transparency of the individual in the eyes of others. People often mistake the pure direct perspective as low self esteem, being a loser and not opting for being positive. When realistically allot of people with ASD prefer not to bypass the truth. I find unrecognised ASD appears to others like a person has the mind of a child. Both men and women are in the same boat with ASD, women get treated like dumb sex objects and men get completely and utterly ignored.

-Luke Watt

Monday, December 9, 2013

He Brings It On To Himself


He Brings It On To Himself

“And in this corner
weighing in at
4lbs, 3 ounces”

I was a freak from the day I was born
and I wasn’t even a primi
just simply ½ 
the size of tinyYup, this is where my status as an Outsider
begins, but of course
it never truly ends
A lot of people talk of a pressure to conform
to fit in –VS- a need to go their own way
like that perpetual Black Sheep
always “out of step with the world”
but for me it was never that easy
because I never had the choice or option  to fit in
bell hooks said once upon a time that
”Being oppressed means the absence of choices”
well for me
fitting in was never a choice
So in one corner
there’s me
not even aware that I had been born into a boxing ring
and in the other corner
is societies social status quos
the bullies
and the bastards that laughed along
I was so small
in a world built for 
bigthey couldn’t even find a hospital ID bracelet for me [ii]
So how are they gonna find 10ounce gloves in my size?
never mind protective headgear…
Yup, I was way outta my weight class right from the beginning
so as you can imagine I took a lotta shots
and I spent a lot of time running
DING!               DING!                  ROUND ONE BEGINS!!!”and if kindergarten was to be any indication
I was in for a nightmare lifetime of humiliation

I had only one friend, a kid named Terry
who lived next door
and at school he wouldn’t talk to me
or play with me
cause if he did, he also got picked on more
I have only ever met one other kid that was failed from kindergarten
And he broke another kids jaw
AT LEAST HE DID SOMETHING!
The next year was even worse
I spent the mornings in grade one and the afternoons in kindergarten…
Needless to say
by year 3 of my formal education, I was still in grade one
just in a new school… in a new town…
Ah! Small town Alberta!
Such an accepting place
where things move at a...progressive, pace!
Not only was I now the smallest kid in the grade
shorter than all the other boys, and girls
but now I was also the oldest by a year
and to top it off I was poorer than anyone else from around there
cause I was now the child of a single mother
Of course there were not things I understood until years later
instead I tried things like
not wearing my glasses
Bifocals
so I would not get called 4 eyes, or geek, or nerd
but instead of ending the hurt
they just changed the pejoratives to
fag
or queer
or other such words
So what do you do when you are backed into a corner
and treated like a foreigner?
you get tough!
or at least you try!!!
which is pretty hard to do when you are half sized
So I began lifting weights
every day 
in an attempt to change what seemed like fate
and I started listening to heavy metal
and eventually punk
and started wearing all black
except my hair
which was dyed a different color every few weeks
and spiked up with Knox and other junk
In doing so I began to take back a degree of control
cause no I was the one rejecting, not rejected
but who’s keeping toll?
“He brings it on to himself”
the principal told my mother
making it all my fault
in those 6 words he justified all the years of pain
and hurt and abuse I felt
removing 
any responsibility from the school
or the teacher
or himself 
Around that time 2 kids in the USA picked up guns
and they took AIM at those that they deemed responsible for their pain
and I thought
“Shit! It’s finally happening!
Maybe they will finally learn
that you can’t just keep doing this to people
eventually they will 
fight back
and it will be 
YOU that get’s hurt”and I realized for the first time
that I was not alone
but they didn’t learn… they didn’t learn a thing
instead they blamed the victim
And I was told that I couldn’t wear chains to school anymore
and I had to leave my trench coat at home
rules made just for me!
to keep 
everyone else safe
safe to continue to pick on me
with impunity
I talked with 
other kids from other towns
who were always…
other
they too had experienced going from the target
to the terrorist threat
meanwhile all around soccer moms
of bully boys formed parent groups
to discuss
“how to stop bullying in highschools”
never once realizing it we their kids
who were calling us tools
cause it was their kids
who defined who/what was cool
or uncool
cause it was their system
and their rules
and it’s kinda like Audre Lorde said
you know
about the Masters Tools
about how you can’t use them to dismantle the masters house
cause if you could
they simply wouldn’t give you access to the tool box.
So at some point I came to a realization
that would change the rest of my life
I decided it wasn’t enough for me to not get bullied
bullying had to stop


By Comrade Black

                                                                                        profanexistence.com/tag/comrade-black/

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

It's You're Right To Be, Feel and Speak. -by Faye O'Neill


``On the bus I took home this morning, a girl who presented differently got on the bus. The way she dressed was unique and quirky, well groomed. She was quiet, or shy, or withdrawn; whatever you want to label it as, looking down as to avoid eye contact with people she didn't know.

Now on the going cross town, the second bus I took today there was a little girl with her mom, who loved her very much. The first thing I heard was "Mommy look there he is again!'' She was referring to a sea otter in the Gorge Basin/Inlet. This wasn't what caught my attention, but what followed next did. The little girl was grumpy, her mom asked ''Why are you grumpy? Cause we don't have your ice cream cone yet? We'll get it soon! I love you soo much!'' In the most supportive loving and patient voice I have ever heard. ''The green sticker is not straight!''. I didn't notice if the mom said anything after this, But it was peculiar to me that the same some what similar feeling came to me. Two different people and two different buses.

So the third bus I took there I was wasn't long after the second incident. maybe 15 minutes. I was waiting behind some teenage girls who were getting off at the same stop as me. Behind me was a woman, her dress style was again unique, quirky but not ratty. Exactly like how I dress. When the bus came to a stop she asked me very politely '' excuse me''. I thought this odd but I turned back to her and politely responded '' I'm just waiting for them to get off first''. Then, we got off the bus and I'm texting my brother about this, since I found it odd. She asked me again politely what time is it. I told her the time. She then asked me is the bus normally late or early, again I replied ''I dunno, sorry.''. I thought it odd she herself didn't have a watch; but again I can't wear watches either, they just stop working. I then heard her ask another lady what time it was. I was beginning to ask myself, is this a coping mechanism to ensure that she is where she is supposed to be at a very specific time?

Then I guess it dawned on me. 'Wow. how many people have autism? LFAUS? Lots! HFAUS? Lots! Auspergers? Lots! PDDNOS, like me? Lots! How many of them are diagnosed? Lots, but many more not.' So, I came to the conclusion that hey, maybe they are ALL trying to learn how to function in a world, like me, that isn't built well for us.

Now I'm not saying EVERYONE I encounter is autistic, but I have become more aware of the world around me, and I'm NOT the only different one here. We are all unique and we all face daily challenges that take their toll.

My one last word of advice is, and this is for all who care too read to the very end; there are people out there who will pretend to be your friend. There are negative people and negative places. Sometimes it takes a few beat downs, unfortunately, to learn who is worth having around and who is not. If you find yourself in situations with people who make you feel like you have done something wrong, but won't say what. If you're unsure of whether you have or have not in fact done something wrong, go with what your energies tell you. It's probably not your fault, it's theirs. Their two face behaviors, their whispers, their unspoken, but obvious energies say what a million words cannot...and don't be afraid to speak your mind. Even if you can't do it in person because you have no f****s left to give, say it somewhere; on It`s Not Ok, on facebook, on youtube, your own personal blog, or on a piece of paper. And you know what, those of you who love you will support you, and those who don`t will pretty much f**** right off.
Be brave and strong, because not everyone you meet will like you though they pretend, not everyone you meet will like what you have to say, but for f**** sakes it's your right to say it. Just be safe when you say it. You don`t need to be put in harms' way.  If you don`t say it somewhere you're in for a world of of guilt, self hating, undue stress, mental over loads, and complete shut downs.

After all my negative drama, I got the support I needed . I have a world full of people who care, friends, a brother, a roomy and my besty! People I never see anymore. Whether you know them in person or not. Whether you have never even said hi to them on face book. If you post something on a girl outside the box face book group, I will read.  Post something on It's Not Ok. I will read.  If you make a youtube video and put a link on the face book group as well, I will watch it! I want to be a support for someone who needs it.  Even if it`s only me sending out my prayers of healing. One person I do feel safe mentioning by name here is Rose. Thank you!  Thanks to all of you who read this. I think many people need to hear these words."
-Faye O'Neill

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Hi. I'm Autistic.

Hi. I'm autistic. I'm a girl, and this is all very hard for many people to understand. I hide my symptoms very well... especially in social gatherings. I make mistakes without being aware I'm doing them and yet I'm sensitive to the energies around me and know something I did has caused this and yet i don't what it is I have done. Even if I haven't done anything wrong I still feel like I have. Anyways people really need to start learning about autism, not just for me but because SOOO many people who you think don't have it, have it. Please be considerate, and be honest, if someone who has autism has done something wrong be nice. Let us know we won't get mad, we will become aware of our behavior, thanks 

-Faye O'Neill

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Another friend refused her rightful diagnosis

 
Another friend, who is clearly autistic, is broken hearted today; after being REFUSED of her rightful Dx...one that would bring this young mother the help and understanding that she very much needs and deserves!! ARGH it just INFURIATES me!!! It's sick, it's disgusting, it's cruel.... and it's only getting WORSE. What IS their problem?? What?? are they afraid of us??? I guess so!! Only the threatened will bully THIS badly...and what they're doing is pretty well SADISTIC. This is Structural Violence, through and through!! It has to STOP. We have to come together and BOYCOTT PSYCHIATRY!!!! What's it gonna take for the agony and heartbreak to end?? We have to do something! PSYCHIATRY CLEARLY IS NOT QUALIFIED TO DIAGNOSE AUTISM!!! THIS SHOULD BE A NEUROLOGISTS' OR NEURO-PSYCHOLOGISTS' JOB!!! Why, in god's name, is psychiatry the highest authority on a NEUROLOGICAL condition???? Why is this continuously being allowed??? WE HAVE TO RISE UP AND SAY: NO MORE. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE TO STOP THESE PEOPLE'S SICK GAMES OF INSIDIOUS DENIAL. The denial is as thick as an Opaque Fog...I mean; guys, you have SEEN my videos: am I not CLEARLY quirky and different??? Everything about my behaviour clearly points to being a woman on the autism spectrum. Yet I was denied THREE times! Three times, until I went and captured childhood footage, of things like me CLEARLY AND BLATANTLY stimming and scripting. Only THEN was I acknowledged...and even then, the diagnosing psych gave it away by saying: "well, I wanted to say you were Borderline, but the childhood footage especially didn't lie, and yes if you watch closely you do have subtle facial ticks, i have to admit" Plus I basically told her that I didn't know if I could go on, if I didn't recieve the truth. I sort of held it to her, and she did seem to have compassion for that and take that seriously. but It's like she indoctrinated to be in favour of denying it, if she could possibly get away with it. However, she admitted she couldn't, in the face of overwhelming evidence (as well as learning/processing tests) in which I had intentionally gone overkill on. This insane level of denial, which is about money and a few other key things; is BEYOND unethical. Doesn't matter what they're afraid of, as far as I'm concerned: THEY NEED TO FIND A WAY TO HELP US, NOT JUST BURY THEIR HEADS IN THE SAND,TURN A BLIND EYE AND DENY OUR EXISTENCE: BECAUSE IT'S CRUEL.
This is happening to females especially, but even guys are experiencing it too. I'm hearing more and more about heartache caused by ASC diagnosis denials; and I can barely stomach it any more!! This is abusive, callous and SIMPLY OUTRAGEOUS!! It's almost as if they don't want to give us our Dxs, because then they "have to be nicer" to us, rather than continuing to abuse us as they wish; to devalue us as "defective people in general" This is, seemingly, what they would rather do! I say we come together and start some sort of class action. Enough is enough!!!

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Struggles-by Michael Berkley

Struggles

And so I try, ... dang hard, ... over and over and over.  Much of the
time feels like I'm just beating my head against a wall.  Far too alone
and isolated.  Not that I don't try, and try a whole helluva lot, but,
quite regardless, way too damn alone and disconnected.  And it hurts
like hell.

Friends?  Relationships?  Barely.  At present, I've got one good
friend.  Really nobody else on the planet knows me particularly well at
all - certainly at least not at all currently.  And even that one
friend doesn't know me *that* well - though knows me better than anyone
else presently, and quite likely as well or better than anyone has ever
known me, with perhaps at most an exception or two - if even that.

And even that one good friend - not like we can sit down and have a
long conversation - much as I'd love to.  That friend finds it rather
to quite difficult to communicate - and quite especially with me.  Most
of the time, very hard for that friend to even be around me for very
long.

So, how do that friend and I mostly communicate?  By blog.  Yeah, I
write, friend reads blog, occasionally provides feedback/comments, etc.
Communication means of last resort ... yeah, ... about that.  'Bout a
step above international pen pal ... and ... have done that too.

Hard for me to write, ... inefficient, time consuming, and ... I'm
*not* very good at it.  Really rather quite sucks, to a large extent.
Oh, sure, the *content* is there ... but the delivery?  Yeah, leaves
*much* to be desired.  Like this entry ... started it *well* over a
month ago.  Got way too damn long.  Over 7,500 words, and ... it wasn't
even 1/3 done ... only sort'a barely started.  And that was like the
2nd or 3rd major nearly total rewrite of same.  Many many hours into
it.  And the writing highly sucked, so ... I essentially scrap it, and
try yet again, starting again from about zero.  And maybe this time
much more limited in scope - though same "theme".  Painfully hard to
write, even.  And, too, like communication restrained down to ...
sucking chilled molasses through a cocktail straw.  Ah, but oh so
*very* much better than absolutely nothing ... 'cause, well, without it
it, ... that's about what it would be.  But I digress.  It ain't about
the writing.

Friends?  Relationships?  Fail to connect.  Over, and over, and over.
Not for lack of effort or trying.  Try *so* damn hard, over, and over,
and over again.  Just doesn't happen for me ... well, ... almost never.
I do manage to gain a good friend or relationship, ... about once per
dozen years.  I don't lose good friends easily - very loyal and
supportive would be quite the understatement.  But, stuff happens, e.g.
they die, or otherwise are or become highly unavailable.  So, yeah,
lose 'em at about the same rate or more; so much of the time I've got
no friend, no relationship, nobody, nothing.  Highly sucks - especially
when it goes on for a *long* time.  Gets to be very painful.

Therapy, communication training classes, etc.  Been there, done that.
Has it helped?  Barely.  Apply all I know and have learned as best I
possibly can and ... results?  So damn near the same, if there's any
difference, it's so slight, I really can't tell there's any difference
at all.  So, kind'a hard to know what's working better, or worse, or
what ought be adjusted how ... if the results are all still very highly
the same.

So, ... why does it so miserably fail for me, and so consistently?  I
wish I knew.  I'm already over 50 years old.  It's not like I haven't
tried, .. .for many decades.  But I guess in more recent years, I've
come to realize that this just has *not* been working for me.  And more
of the *why* - though I still barely know particularly why and how - or
more importantly, how I could even possibly "fix" it.  But some
patterns emerge and some things can be determined.

Is it the words?  Probably not so much that, though, sure, room for
improvement there too.  But, of all the (few) good friendships that
I've ever made in the last ... well, 33+ years ... and any decent
relationships too, they've *never* started from having first met the
person in person.  *Never*.  Not that I haven't tried, lots, ... over
and over.  Just hasn't happened.  Ever.  Well, not since like once when
I was ... not even 16 years old yet.  Pretty rare even back when I was
a kid.  In any case, where/how have I met/found good friends or
relationships in the last 33+ years?  It's *only* happened when we
first met some way other than face-to-face.  Most notably on-line, ...
and way back in the day, via personal ads in newspapers - yeah, when
newspapers actually came out in print on paper.  Or occasionally when
having met over telephone.  But *never* from having fist met in person.

I guess in first meeting *not* in person, ... I have a fighting chance.
Sure, still rare, but the person might get to know me rather to fairly
well, before meeting in person.  And, seems then I have a chance.  But
is it the words?  No, seems rather unlikely.  In person, on-line,
phone, whatever - initial meeting, the words are about the same -
really not much difference there.  Ah, then am I that scary looking or
something like that?  No, not at all.  Yeah, not some buff gorgeous
hunk, but quite good enough - probably at least "average" or so, or a
bit better.  The one friend I do have said, fairly recently of me,
"great guy with a warm heart and the best of intentions".  Then what?
Well, among other things, in essentially that same breath same friend
said, "makes any conversation with you feel grating.  This and a few
other communication things make it really hard to share time with you".
So, too, a lot of the time I say nothing, ... or very little.  Seems
to often go much better that way - not that it goes well that way, but
most typically goes much better than if I talk or try to talk or
particularly interact.  And yeah, even more so in group settings -
especially group social settings - I'm the quiet one, rarely say
anything.  So I suck at group social.  By the time I think of what I
want to say, it's typically highly untimely - the conversation has long
since moved past that point or item, and would no longer be appropriate
or fitting ... not to mention I have a hard time interjecting - groups
tend to talk non-stop - can't really say anything without interrupting,
and I'm not good at that.  And then, when there rarely is that more bit
of a break - it doesn't happen at the same time I've thought of
something to say - or something to say that's at all fitting at that
point.  But much of it's also the non-verbal.

Non-verbal.  That's a big part of it.  Best I've been able to
determine, I typically screw it up royally on the non-verbal.  But
without even knowing how, or what I do that messes it up.  Wish I knew.
I don't.  It's not like anyone points it out or calls it to my
attention.  It's not like I've got friends that can watch and tell me
or that would.  Some bits I know, but helluva lot I don't.  Eye
contact.  I tend to rather to quite suck at that.  Biggest problem for
me with that, is when I'm talking or trying to, if I see or notice
someone move or react at all, it's exceedingly distracting for me - I
tend to totally forget what I was saying or attempting to say - even
mid-sentence.  So, yeah, that's a hard one to work with or recover
from.  Not making eye contact tends to set a very bad impression.
Completely and totally losing one's train of thought, especially quite
repeatedly, also tends to make for a very poor impression.  First
impressions matter.  Yeah, ... face-to-face, ... may start out "fine"
at first initial instants, but by typically 30 seconds to 2 minutes
into it, I'm essentially dead.  Person's reaction goes from initially
quite to fairly positive, to ... a pretty darn negative reaction by
shortly into it.  Really, that's almost always how it goes with meeting
first, in person, face-to-face.  And, even if it *seems* to go fine,
... well, it most likely never does.  'Cause I never hear back from the
person ... *ever*.  Unless they're trying to sell me something.  I just
don't hear.  Given out my contact information thousands of times - do I
ever hear back?  No.  Do I get the other person's contact information?
Rare that they give it to me.  And if I contact them, do I hear back?
No.  Sure, too, there's verbal that can be improved.  But seems most
likely I'm screwed on the non-verbal.

How to fix it?  Hell if I know.  I keep trying to work on it, learn
more, practice.  Results thus far have continued to be quite abysmal.
Yup, already past 50 years old.  Never married.  Had relationships, but
... really, never has quite worked out ... yet, ...but then again, have
had *very* few relationships.  Like, geez, 50 years old, ... how many
women in my entire life have I ever slept with? Four.  And some of
those "relationships" have been as short as about 3 days or less.
Yeah, ... most of my life *very* alone.  Barely have one good friend,
and often even that seems/feels quite tenuous to me - though perhaps it
ought not.  Whole life, never really had more than one friend - or
relationship - at any given time, ... and much of the time, not even
that.

Cause?  And how come I don't just "know" how to do all that?  It's not
like most people have to be taught how to make friends or have a
conversation and "connect".  How/why am I "like that"?  I dunno.
Autism or Aspergers or something like that?  Debatable, but very
possibly.  Whatever, needs "fixing".  Or, ... well, not everything can
be "fixed" - some things just can't.  Well, ... work around it
compensate, whatever.  Need to learn *something* that works there.
50+, and still trying to learn how to make friends/connections.  Maybe
I'll never manage to.  I don't know, but sure massively sucks.  Majorly
sucks for me.  Sucks too for those that might be my friends or more -
their loss too.  They never even get to know me.  Haven't had much in
the way of friends/relationships, but of those I've had, they've at
least highly liked - if not loved - me.  Not a whole helluva lot of
complaints.  But just about nobody really knows me, ... and seems most
never will.  Sometimes I feel like maybe I ought get a T-shirt printed
up.  On one side, "Those that know me, love me."  And on the other
side, "Nobody knows me."

And some people have it a helluva lot worse.  I guess I'm relatively
lucky ... yet it very much sucks.  Yeah, I struggle with fair bit - but
(lack of) connection, and attempts thereof probably tops my list.

Well, enough on this for now, ... lest I turn it into something more
than thrice as long that barely manages to come anywhere close to
getting the point across or even hardly scratching the surface.


> Struggles
>
> And so I try, ... dang hard, ... over and over and over.  Much of the
> time feels like I'm just beating my head against a wall.  Far too alone
> and isolated.  Not that I don't try, and try a whole helluva lot, but,
> quite regardless, way too damn alone and disconnected.  And it hurts
> like hell.
>
> Friends?  Relationships?  Barely.  At present, I've got one good
> friend.  Really nobody else on the planet knows me particularly well at
> all - certainly at least not at all currently.  And even that one
> friend doesn't know me *that* well - though knows me better than anyone
> else presently, and quite likely as well or better than anyone has ever
> known me, with perhaps at most an exception or two - if even that.
>
> And even that one good friend - not like we can sit down and have a
> long conversation - much as I'd love to.  That friend finds it rather
> to quite difficult to communicate - and quite especially with me.  Most
> of the time, very hard for that friend to even be around me for very
> long.
>
> So, how do that friend and I mostly communicate?  By blog.  Yeah, I
> write, friend reads blog, occasionally provides feedback/comments, etc.
> Communication means of last resort ... yeah, ... about that.  'Bout a
> step above international pen pal ... and ... have done that too.
>
> Hard for me to write, ... inefficient, time consuming, and ... I'm
> *not* very good at it.  Really rather quite sucks, to a large extent.
> Oh, sure, the *content* is there ... but the delivery?  Yeah, leaves
> *much* to be desired.  Like this entry ... started it *well* over a
> month ago.  Got way too damn long.  Over 7,500 words, and ... it wasn't
> even 1/3 done ... only sort'a barely started.  And that was like the
> 2nd or 3rd major nearly total rewrite of same.  Many many hours into
> it.  And the writing highly sucked, so ... I essentially scrap it, and
> try yet again, starting again from about zero.  And maybe this time
> much more limited in scope - though same "theme".  Painfully hard to
> write, even.  And, too, like communication restrained down to ...
> sucking chilled molasses through a cocktail straw.  Ah, but oh so
> *very* much better than absolutely nothing ... 'cause, well, without it
> it, ... that's about what it would be.  But I digress.  It ain't about
> the writing.
>
> Friends?  Relationships?  Fail to connect.  Over, and over, and over.
> Not for lack of effort or trying.  Try *so* damn hard, over, and over,
> and over again.  Just doesn't happen for me ... well, ... almost never.
> I do manage to gain a good friend or relationship, ... about once per
> dozen years.  I don't lose good friends easily - very loyal and
> supportive would be quite the understatement.  But, stuff happens, e.g.
> they die, or otherwise are or become highly unavailable.  So, yeah,
> lose 'em at about the same rate or more; so much of the time I've got
> no friend, no relationship, nobody, nothing.  Highly sucks - especially
> when it goes on for a *long* time.  Gets to be very painful.
>
> Therapy, communication training classes, etc.  Been there, done that.
> Has it helped?  Barely.  Apply all I know and have learned as best I
> possibly can and ... results?  So damn near the same, if there's any
> difference, it's so slight, I really can't tell there's any difference
> at all.  So, kind'a hard to know what's working better, or worse, or
> what ought be adjusted how ... if the results are all still very highly
> the same.
>
> So, ... why does it so miserably fail for me, and so consistently?  I
> wish I knew.  I'm already over 50 years old.  It's not like I haven't
> tried, .. .for many decades.  But I guess in more recent years, I've
> come to realize that this just has *not* been working for me.  And more
> of the *why* - though I still barely know particularly why and how - or
> more importantly, how I could even possibly "fix" it.  But some
> patterns emerge and some things can be determined.
>
> Is it the words?  Probably not so much that, though, sure, room for
> improvement there too.  But, of all the (few) good friendships that
> I've ever made in the last ... well, 33+ years ... and any decent
> relationships too, they've *never* started from having first met the
> person in person.  *Never*.  Not that I haven't tried, lots, ... over
> and over.  Just hasn't happened.  Ever.  Well, not since like once when
> I was ... not even 16 years old yet.  Pretty rare even back when I was
> a kid.  In any case, where/how have I met/found good friends or
> relationships in the last 33+ years?  It's *only* happened when we
> first met some way other than face-to-face.  Most notably on-line, ...
> and way back in the day, via personal ads in newspapers - yeah, when
> newspapers actually came out in print on paper.  Or occasionally when
> having met over telephone.  But *never* from having fist met in person.
>
> I guess in first meeting *not* in person, ... I have a fighting chance.
> Sure, still rare, but the person might get to know me rather to fairly
> well, before meeting in person.  And, seems then I have a chance.  But
> is it the words?  No, seems rather unlikely.  In person, on-line,
> phone, whatever - initial meeting, the words are about the same -
> really not much difference there.  Ah, then am I that scary looking or
> something like that?  No, not at all.  Yeah, not some buff gorgeous
> hunk, but quite good enough - probably at least "average" or so, or a
> bit better.  The one friend I do have said, fairly recently of me,
> "great guy with a warm heart and the best of intentions".  Then what?
> Well, among other things, in essentially that same breath same friend
> said, "makes any conversation with you feel grating.  This and a few
> other communication things make it really hard to share time with you".
> So, too, a lot of the time I say nothing, ... or very little.  Seems
> to often go much better that way - not that it goes well that way, but
> most typically goes much better than if I talk or try to talk or
> particularly interact.  And yeah, even more so in group settings -
> especially group social settings - I'm the quiet one, rarely say
> anything.  So I suck at group social.  By the time I think of what I
> want to say, it's typically highly untimely - the conversation has long
> since moved past that point or item, and would no longer be appropriate
> or fitting ... not to mention I have a hard time interjecting - groups
> tend to talk non-stop - can't really say anything without interrupting,
> and I'm not good at that.  And then, when there rarely is that more bit
> of a break - it doesn't happen at the same time I've thought of
> something to say - or something to say that's at all fitting at that
> point.  But much of it's also the non-verbal.
>
> Non-verbal.  That's a big part of it.  Best I've been able to
> determine, I typically screw it up royally on the non-verbal.  But
> without even knowing how, or what I do that messes it up.  Wish I knew.
> I don't.  It's not like anyone points it out or calls it to my
> attention.  It's not like I've got friends that can watch and tell me
> or that would.  Some bits I know, but helluva lot I don't.  Eye
> contact.  I tend to rather to quite suck at that.  Biggest problem for
> me with that, is when I'm talking or trying to, if I see or notice
> someone move or react at all, it's exceedingly distracting for me - I
> tend to totally forget what I was saying or attempting to say - even
> mid-sentence.  So, yeah, that's a hard one to work with or recover
> from.  Not making eye contact tends to set a very bad impression.
> Completely and totally losing one's train of thought, especially quite
> repeatedly, also tends to make for a very poor impression.  First
> impressions matter.  Yeah, ... face-to-face, ... may start out "fine"
> at first initial instants, but by typically 30 seconds to 2 minutes
> into it, I'm essentially dead.  Person's reaction goes from initially
> quite to fairly positive, to ... a pretty darn negative reaction by
> shortly into it.  Really, that's almost always how it goes with meeting
> first, in person, face-to-face.  And, even if it *seems* to go fine,
> ... well, it most likely never does.  'Cause I never hear back from the
> person ... *ever*.  Unless they're trying to sell me something.  I just
> don't hear.  Given out my contact information thousands of times - do I
> ever hear back?  No.  Do I get the other person's contact information?
> Rare that they give it to me.  And if I contact them, do I hear back?
> No.  Sure, too, there's verbal that can be improved.  But seems most
> likely I'm screwed on the non-verbal.
>
> How to fix it?  Hell if I know.  I keep trying to work on it, learn
> more, practice.  Results thus far have continued to be quite abysmal.
> Yup, already past 50 years old.  Never married.  Had relationships, but
> ... really, never has quite worked out ... yet, ...but then again, have
> had *very* few relationships.  Like, geez, 50 years old, ... how many
> women in my entire life have I ever slept with? Four.  And some of
> those "relationships" have been as short as about 3 days or less.
> Yeah, ... most of my life *very* alone.  Barely have one good friend,
> and often even that seems/feels quite tenuous to me - though perhaps it
> ought not.  Whole life, never really had more than one friend - or
> relationship - at any given time, ... and much of the time, not even
> that.
>
> Cause?  And how come I don't just "know" how to do all that?  It's not
> like most people have to be taught how to make friends or have a
> conversation and "connect".  How/why am I "like that"?  I dunno.
> Autism or Aspergers or something like that?  Debatable, but very
> possibly.  Whatever, needs "fixing".  Or, ... well, not everything can
> be "fixed" - some things just can't.  Well, ... work around it
> compensate, whatever.  Need to learn *something* that works there.
> 50+, and still trying to learn how to make friends/connections.  Maybe
> I'll never manage to.  I don't know, but sure massively sucks.  Majorly
> sucks for me.  Sucks too for those that might be my friends or more -
> their loss too.  They never even get to know me.  Haven't had much in
> the way of friends/relationships, but of those I've had, they've at
> least highly liked - if not loved - me.  Not a whole helluva lot of
> complaints.  But just about nobody really knows me, ... and seems most
> never will.  Sometimes I feel like maybe I ought get a T-shirt printed
> up.  On one side, "Those that know me, love me."  And on the other
> side, "Nobody knows me."
>
> And some people have it a helluva lot worse.  I guess I'm relatively
> lucky ... yet it very much sucks.  Yeah, I struggle with fair bit - but
> (lack of) connection, and attempts thereof probably tops my list.
>
> Well, enough on this for now, ... lest I turn it into something more
> than thrice as long that barely manages to come anywhere close to
> getting the point across or even hardly scratching the surface.
>

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