Monday, December 9, 2013

He Brings It On To Himself

He Brings It On To Himself

“And in this corner
weighing in at
4lbs, 3 ounces”

I was a freak from the day I was born
and I wasn’t even a primi
just simply ½ 
the size of tinyYup, this is where my status as an Outsider
begins, but of course
it never truly ends
A lot of people talk of a pressure to conform
to fit in –VS- a need to go their own way
like that perpetual Black Sheep
always “out of step with the world”
but for me it was never that easy
because I never had the choice or option  to fit in
bell hooks said once upon a time that
”Being oppressed means the absence of choices”
well for me
fitting in was never a choice
So in one corner
there’s me
not even aware that I had been born into a boxing ring
and in the other corner
is societies social status quos
the bullies
and the bastards that laughed along
I was so small
in a world built for 
bigthey couldn’t even find a hospital ID bracelet for me [ii]
So how are they gonna find 10ounce gloves in my size?
never mind protective headgear…
Yup, I was way outta my weight class right from the beginning
so as you can imagine I took a lotta shots
and I spent a lot of time running
DING!               DING!                  ROUND ONE BEGINS!!!”and if kindergarten was to be any indication
I was in for a nightmare lifetime of humiliation

I had only one friend, a kid named Terry
who lived next door
and at school he wouldn’t talk to me
or play with me
cause if he did, he also got picked on more
I have only ever met one other kid that was failed from kindergarten
And he broke another kids jaw
The next year was even worse
I spent the mornings in grade one and the afternoons in kindergarten…
Needless to say
by year 3 of my formal education, I was still in grade one
just in a new school… in a new town…
Ah! Small town Alberta!
Such an accepting place
where things move at, pace!
Not only was I now the smallest kid in the grade
shorter than all the other boys, and girls
but now I was also the oldest by a year
and to top it off I was poorer than anyone else from around there
cause I was now the child of a single mother
Of course there were not things I understood until years later
instead I tried things like
not wearing my glasses
so I would not get called 4 eyes, or geek, or nerd
but instead of ending the hurt
they just changed the pejoratives to
or queer
or other such words
So what do you do when you are backed into a corner
and treated like a foreigner?
you get tough!
or at least you try!!!
which is pretty hard to do when you are half sized
So I began lifting weights
every day 
in an attempt to change what seemed like fate
and I started listening to heavy metal
and eventually punk
and started wearing all black
except my hair
which was dyed a different color every few weeks
and spiked up with Knox and other junk
In doing so I began to take back a degree of control
cause no I was the one rejecting, not rejected
but who’s keeping toll?
“He brings it on to himself”
the principal told my mother
making it all my fault
in those 6 words he justified all the years of pain
and hurt and abuse I felt
any responsibility from the school
or the teacher
or himself 
Around that time 2 kids in the USA picked up guns
and they took AIM at those that they deemed responsible for their pain
and I thought
“Shit! It’s finally happening!
Maybe they will finally learn
that you can’t just keep doing this to people
eventually they will 
fight back
and it will be 
YOU that get’s hurt”and I realized for the first time
that I was not alone
but they didn’t learn… they didn’t learn a thing
instead they blamed the victim
And I was told that I couldn’t wear chains to school anymore
and I had to leave my trench coat at home
rules made just for me!
to keep 
everyone else safe
safe to continue to pick on me
with impunity
I talked with 
other kids from other towns
who were always…
they too had experienced going from the target
to the terrorist threat
meanwhile all around soccer moms
of bully boys formed parent groups
to discuss
“how to stop bullying in highschools”
never once realizing it we their kids
who were calling us tools
cause it was their kids
who defined who/what was cool
or uncool
cause it was their system
and their rules
and it’s kinda like Audre Lorde said
you know
about the Masters Tools
about how you can’t use them to dismantle the masters house
cause if you could
they simply wouldn’t give you access to the tool box.
So at some point I came to a realization
that would change the rest of my life
I decided it wasn’t enough for me to not get bullied
bullying had to stop

By Comrade Black


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