Community blog for the marginalized who wish for change and increased awareness; autistic, 'ADD' etc, complex chronic illness, trauma/bullying/mental health/addiction, supporters too. Run by girloutside.org Share experiences i.e. self discovery, getting through, life lessons, info for awareness, discrimination, human rights, how you've been affected, how/what you'd like to see change. Anonymity if requested. Send *titled* pieces to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Monday, December 9, 2013
He Brings It On To Himself
He Brings It On To Himself “And in this corner weighing in at 4lbs, 3 ounces”
I was a freak from the day I was born and I wasn’t even a primi just simply ½ the size of tinyYup, this is where my status as an Outsider begins, but of course it never truly ends A lot of people talk of a pressure to conform to fit in –VS- a need to go their own way like that perpetual Black Sheep always “out of step with the world” but for me it was never that easy because I never had the choice or option to fit in bell hooks said once upon a time that ”Being oppressed means the absence of choices” well for me fitting in was never a choice So in one corner there’s me not even aware that I had been born into a boxing ring and in the other corner is societies social status quos the bullies and the bastards that laughed alongI was so small in a world built for bigthey couldn’t even find a hospital ID bracelet for me [ii] So how are they gonna find 10ounce gloves in my size? never mind protective headgear… Yup, I was way outta my weight class right from the beginning so as you can imagine I took a lotta shots and I spent a lot of time running
“DING! DING! ROUND ONE BEGINS!!!”and if kindergarten was to be any indication I was in for a nightmare lifetime of humiliation I had only one friend, a kid named Terry who lived next door and at school he wouldn’t talk to me or play with me cause if he did, he also got picked on more I have only ever met one other kid that was failed from kindergarten And he broke another kids jaw AT LEAST HE DID SOMETHING! The next year was even worse I spent the mornings in grade one and the afternoons in kindergarten… Needless to say by year 3 of my formal education, I was still in grade one just in a new school… in a new town…
Ah! Small town Alberta! Such an accepting place where things move at a...progressive, pace!
Not only was I now the smallest kid in the grade
shorter than all the other boys, and girls
but now I was also the oldest by a year
and to top it off I was poorer than anyone else from around there
cause I was now the child of a single mother
Of course there were not things I understood until years later
instead I tried things like
not wearing my glasses
so I would not get called 4 eyes, or geek, or nerd
but instead of ending the hurt
they just changed the pejoratives to
or other such words
So what do you do when you are backed into a corner
and treated like a foreigner?
you get tough!
or at least you try!!!
which is pretty hard to do when you are half sized
So I began lifting weights every day in an attempt to change what seemed like fate and I started listening to heavy metal and eventually punk and started wearing all black except my hair which was dyed a different color every few weeks and spiked up with Knox and other junk In doing so I began to take back a degree of control cause no I was the one rejecting, not rejected but who’s keeping toll?
“He brings it on to himself” the principal told my mother making it all my fault in those 6 words he justified all the years of pain and hurt and abuse I felt removing any responsibility from the school or the teacher or himself
Around that time 2 kids in the USA picked up guns
and they took AIM at those that they deemed responsible for their pain
and I thought “Shit! It’s finally happening! Maybe they will finally learn that you can’t just keep doing this to people eventually they will fight back and it will be YOU that get’s hurt”and I realized for the first time that I was not alone but they didn’t learn… they didn’t learn a thing instead they blamed the victim
And I was told that I couldn’t wear chains to school anymore and I had to leave my trench coat at homerules made just for me! to keep everyone else safe safe to continue to pick on me with impunity I talked with other kids from other towns who were always…other they too had experienced going from the target to the terrorist threat meanwhile all around soccer moms of bully boys formed parent groups to discuss “how to stop bullying in highschools” never once realizing it we their kids who were calling us tools cause it was their kids who defined who/what was cool or uncool cause it was their system and their rules and it’s kinda like Audre Lorde said you know about the Masters Tools about how you can’t use them to dismantle the masters house cause if you could they simply wouldn’t give you access to the tool box. So at some point I came to a realization that would change the rest of my lifeI decided it wasn’t enough for me to not get bullied bullying had to stop