Monday, March 9, 2015
Do you know what it's like to have a body part stop working kind of sudden like? Feels weird doesn't it? The bad part is never knowing when this will occur or the frequency that might cause a ripple effect and affect more areas. It makes it interesting to think of whether you can make it through the day without randomly missing a body here or there along the way. To start missing toes is rough when it happens anywhere else except for home, as I don't need shoes for here only there if I can't manage to make it there without them. It also makes people constantly ask me if I know that my shoes are untied when I don't tuck the ends of my laces inside before I put them on and I try not to reflexively kick them off when my toes fall off/curl under and do all those wonderful that I'd rather they didn't. Gotta be careful not to drop things when my fingers seem to have temporarily disappeared from where I normally keep them things hanging around and thankfully we have handles to prevent those occasional spills going everywhere deals and another banged up breakage scenarios in play. I still have a few coffee cups with handles still intact but hard to find one without a chip or crack. Which is what makes me such a clutz at times and randomly grabbing to clutch something, anything in reach before my legs vanish from underneath me and I go down to give my fish out of water interpretive dance moves right before you're very eyes. WAIT, whatever you do don't call an ambulance too quickly, just so you might witness my flight or fight moves of a startled dear caught in the headlight PTSD freakshow delight of winner take all. You really want to see if it turns into a slugfest if the emergency personnel ain't extremely careful of their movements around me, yes I do know that I have a seizure disorder that I can't be prescribed any of the current traditional medical treatments that are popular at the moment. Instead I'm currently on a non-scientific traditional medical treatment that is currently unpopular because of it's traditional roots that predate modern scientific medical procedures. So call me what you will, any vile thing you can think of because in the end you'll call me doctor too :-D
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
All my life i have felt isolated and excluded from a life, a society i have admired and been mesmerised by. People to me became robots , i felt as if i had been placed in a world which isn't a part of reality. Everyone seemed too perfect. I have always encountered issues which i had kept silent about and never shone a light on.
Making friends was excruciatingly difficult. People would leave me and i would be left puzzeled as to what i had done wrong. Why did they not want to be my friends?. I realised i had to act and create a persona similar to these robots. I didn't understand their jokes, sarcasm or why certain things were funny to the majority. I just pretended to understand those social ques. Most thought i was naive, stupid or a clown. In reality i just didn't understand. I observe these beings around me in wonder as to why they act and talk the way they do. It's like i wasn't as mature as them or i was lacking the initiative they had.
Handwriting has always been a huge problem for me . I miss out letters or draw squiggles even though i visualise it differently. I have an inner voice, my real perception of this world which i hide.
My teachers assume that i plagiarise, that i copy other peoples work. They view me as a teenager who is not capable of writing well. The way i want to talk after observing people just wouldn't be socially exceptable. People would think i am obnoxious, big headed or see my self as being superior. More than that weird.
I can understand why because i am a very philosophical person from all the analysing and deep thinking i have done all my life. Most thought i was depressed or rude. I just wanted to understand society, to know where i belong. I wanted to be able to have similar facial expressions and hand gestures. It was all so alien to me.
Loud sounds to me are like an earthquake. I tried to train myself to endure loud sounds without having to cover my ears. This was by listening to loud music. However the only thing i gained from doing that was being able to withstand loud music.
I feel like I'm walking but my feet just quite don't touch the ground. Work which i don't find stimulating by being challenging is hard to do because it's boring. The grades may show i am an average or lazy student but the fact is i am not interested.
All my life i have been noted as being the weird person. I would try and hide my unsual behaviour. For example twisting my arms, moving my jaw awkwardly and biting my hands when anxious or happy. It's so embarrassing when i do these actions but i can't control myself. Doctors have ignored me. Told me to listen to music and have my teachers help me. I am leaving school soon to go to university. It's too late, all i can hope is now that my life becomes easier, that i accomplish my goal of being normal.
University for me i think will be positive. I am going to study something i have a passion for and i think i will be able to understand. It is the perfect escape route. The perfect mixture of black and white, logic and wonder and, pessimism and optimism. For once i will be able to see my goal, the white light in the darkness. The colour black will bring shape and shade to the different exits and entries within my mind. I will know where i stand. For once in my life i might feel normal. Biochemistry is the subject which won't make me feel isolated. Even though i have people around me, I'll have a place where i think I'll be able to fit in, belong and express myself.