Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Shadow Woman

All my life i have felt isolated and excluded from a life, a society i have admired and been mesmerised by. People to me became robots , i felt as if i had been placed in a world which isn't a part of reality. Everyone seemed too perfect. I have always  encountered issues which i had kept silent about and never shone a light on.
Making friends was excruciatingly difficult. People would leave me and i would be left puzzeled as to what i had done wrong. Why did they not want to be my friends?. I realised i had to act and create a persona similar to these robots. I didn't understand their jokes, sarcasm or why certain things were funny to the majority. I just pretended to understand those social ques. Most thought i was naive, stupid or a clown. In reality i just didn't understand. I observe these beings around me in wonder as to why they act and talk the way they do. It's like i wasn't as mature as them or i was lacking the initiative they had.

Handwriting has always been a huge problem for me . I miss out letters or draw squiggles even though i visualise it differently. I have an inner voice, my real perception of this world which i hide.
My teachers assume that i plagiarise, that i copy other peoples work. They view me as a teenager who is not capable of writing  well. The way i want to talk after observing people just wouldn't  be socially exceptable. People would think i am obnoxious, big headed or see my self as being superior. More than that weird.
I can understand why because i am a very philosophical person from all the analysing and deep thinking i have done all my life. Most thought i was depressed or rude. I just wanted to understand society, to know where i belong.  I wanted to be able to have similar facial expressions and hand gestures. It was all so alien to me.
Loud sounds to me are like an earthquake. I tried to train myself to endure loud sounds without having to cover my ears. This was by listening to loud music. However the only thing i gained from doing that was  being able to withstand loud music.

I feel like I'm walking but my feet just quite don't touch the ground.  Work which i don't find stimulating by being challenging is hard to do because it's boring. The grades may show i am an average or lazy student but the fact is i am not interested.

All my life i have been noted as  being the weird person. I would try and hide my unsual behaviour. For example twisting my arms, moving my jaw awkwardly and biting my hands when anxious or happy. It's  so  embarrassing when i do these actions but i can't control myself. Doctors have ignored me. Told me to listen to music and have my teachers help me. I am leaving school soon to go to university. It's too late, all i can hope is now that my life becomes easier, that i accomplish my goal of being normal.

University for me i think will be positive. I am going to study something i have a passion for and i think i will be able to understand. It is the perfect escape route. The perfect mixture of black and white, logic and wonder and, pessimism  and optimism. For once i will be able to see my goal, the white light in the darkness. The colour black will bring shape and shade to the different exits and entries within  my mind. I will know where i stand. For once in my life i might feel normal. Biochemistry is the subject which won't make me feel isolated. Even though i have people around me, I'll have a place where i think I'll be able to fit in, belong  and express myself.

-Shadow Woman

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