Sunday, July 21, 2013

If an autistic person and a neurotypical person have a misunderstanding, it's always the autistic person's fault.

Autistic people think differently from neurotypical/non-autistic people. This can lead to misunderstandings and mis-communication. But not all neurotypicals think alike, and two neurotypical people can have misunderstandings and mis-communication. But apparently if an autistic person and a neurotypical person have a misunderstanding, it's always the autistic person's fault.

-Iris Gray

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Communication Breakdown

I've got a lot of things that I could talk about in regards to autism, but I guess the thing that I have the most questions about and least understanding of is relationships. 
I'm a straight guy who's about to turn 26 and I'm a virgin and have never really had a girlfriend before, and I've kind of run out of excuses in what to tell people when they ask me why I haven't met someone or at the very least gotten laid.  For the latter part I just plain don't speak the language of casual sex, which makes sense because tons of the people I grew up with seem to speak it fluently, but for some reason I just don't.  My friends tell me I think too much, that may be true, but I have a mental block when it comes to communicating with women.  I flirt, every once in a while a girl will make out with me but it never gets farther than that.  It's not that there aren't any women out there that I don't like but I just don't feel comfortable going farther than casual flirting with any woman at this point in my life.
The reason for why I feel that way probably stems from where I am with my life.  I am still trying to build up a career in show business behind the scenes after being a reporter throughout my college years and failing at it after I graduated.  To be completely honest I feel like I haven't accomplished enough in life in order to deserve to be in a relationship.  Everyone tells me that's bullshit when I say that, but I feel like I'm not strong enough or don't have enough things going for me to really show that I'm enough of a man to deserve it.  I work my tail off to try and get my career going but ultimately I admit to being a very lonely person because I have trouble just being able to be one on one.
I guess that's probably the biggest negative impact autism has had on me my whole life.  Singing in public, being on television, giving a speech to hundreds of people, these are all things that come completely natural to me.  Having to be one on one with someone, with no cameras and be totally intimate about yourself scares the living daylights out of me.  The only way I meet women these days is by going to karaoke and singing, I flirt with women after I'm done singing because they like my singing voice, but that's as far as it goes and I never figure out why I can't seem to try and get to know any woman better.
Which brings me to what I want out of a relationship.  If I get involved with a woman she has to be someone I can communicate, and not just about music and movies or stuff on the surface that I'm into.  She has to be someone I can commune with philosophically on other matters who I can have a passionate argument with and then be able to laugh about it later. 
So I guess what it comes down to is that I want to have a career and I don't know how to balance out wanting that and wanting a relationship.  On top of that I have kind of a fear of intimacy and high standards for what I want.  So basically I feel doomed to be alone for the rest of my life.
From Detroit, MI

Monday, July 15, 2013

Resplendent- A Beautiful Poem by Kerrilynn Harris

Kerrilynn Harris is a wonderful and inspiring woman. She is a gifted, multi-talented, highly empathic mother, writer, creative; and self advocate on the autism spectrum. Like myself and many others, she was diagnosed in adulthood. Her honest and poignant writings describe her experience with coming to be in her autism; into her true self. She describes so frankly letting go of the expectations, the judgements, and bypassing the unhelpful "help"that has plagued us throughout our lives; until we become true to ourselves. Thank you Kerrilynn, fellow Au female heroine on the front line; she puts herself out there so that others will learn to understand us. It's important and excellent work. Check it out.


This shedding of layers, 
this unraveling of my soul, 
of my mind
it's a process,
a detox,
a liberation.
I'm fragile yet strong.
I'm broken yet healing.
I'm cracked,
yet I'll be filled with gold*.
Progress is lagging
Acceptance is an exertion.
Painful, raw.
Emotions histrionic.
Healing is auspicious.
Emergence is transpiring.
Fresh new soul,
Mind changing, developing,
neural pathways.

toxic layer, 
after toxic layer, 
finally, revealed beneath the messy,
broken layers, 
is a new,
formed self.
A free self. 

A newborn creature,
a soul I now know and love.
Fragile, yet complete.
New understanding of self.
Finally wings are free. 
I emerge,
My true self.
Liberated and free.

Kerrilynn Harris ©