Thursday, July 18, 2013

Communication Breakdown

I've got a lot of things that I could talk about in regards to autism, but I guess the thing that I have the most questions about and least understanding of is relationships. 
I'm a straight guy who's about to turn 26 and I'm a virgin and have never really had a girlfriend before, and I've kind of run out of excuses in what to tell people when they ask me why I haven't met someone or at the very least gotten laid.  For the latter part I just plain don't speak the language of casual sex, which makes sense because tons of the people I grew up with seem to speak it fluently, but for some reason I just don't.  My friends tell me I think too much, that may be true, but I have a mental block when it comes to communicating with women.  I flirt, every once in a while a girl will make out with me but it never gets farther than that.  It's not that there aren't any women out there that I don't like but I just don't feel comfortable going farther than casual flirting with any woman at this point in my life.
The reason for why I feel that way probably stems from where I am with my life.  I am still trying to build up a career in show business behind the scenes after being a reporter throughout my college years and failing at it after I graduated.  To be completely honest I feel like I haven't accomplished enough in life in order to deserve to be in a relationship.  Everyone tells me that's bullshit when I say that, but I feel like I'm not strong enough or don't have enough things going for me to really show that I'm enough of a man to deserve it.  I work my tail off to try and get my career going but ultimately I admit to being a very lonely person because I have trouble just being able to be one on one.
I guess that's probably the biggest negative impact autism has had on me my whole life.  Singing in public, being on television, giving a speech to hundreds of people, these are all things that come completely natural to me.  Having to be one on one with someone, with no cameras and be totally intimate about yourself scares the living daylights out of me.  The only way I meet women these days is by going to karaoke and singing, I flirt with women after I'm done singing because they like my singing voice, but that's as far as it goes and I never figure out why I can't seem to try and get to know any woman better.
Which brings me to what I want out of a relationship.  If I get involved with a woman she has to be someone I can communicate, and not just about music and movies or stuff on the surface that I'm into.  She has to be someone I can commune with philosophically on other matters who I can have a passionate argument with and then be able to laugh about it later. 
So I guess what it comes down to is that I want to have a career and I don't know how to balance out wanting that and wanting a relationship.  On top of that I have kind of a fear of intimacy and high standards for what I want.  So basically I feel doomed to be alone for the rest of my life.
From Detroit, MI

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