Monday, March 3, 2014

stand up for me

I'm not a little girl anymore
you cannot drag me on the floor
you cannot kick open the door
no, you can't hurt me anymore
and how dare you have the gall
to call me names yet still
when I'm already ill
whence I'm wounded by the lore
but what is it, at the core
which causes me to brood
which starves my brain of the food
it started long before
nearly at the beginning of my time on earth
my character was punched
and in a corner hunched
I sat there capped with a dunce
and told that I was bad
til it drove me raving mad
and I pseudo-fulfilled your prophecy
and I wandered oh so aimlessly
to prove
just who I really am
whence my right to be, was dismissed as sham
til I felt like a sham...
you shouted "how dare you ask
for a sandwich
how dare you be hungry
and have needs
to be fed, when you're bothering me so,
you don't have a right to have needs
not a right to be a child
not a right to ask please"
so I gave you my soul
til you threw me bread
or roses, if I was lucky
i'm was an exhausted marionette
even then
always saying "sorry"
for what I didn't do wrong
until what became my story
was a self-loathing spawn
whence I was told
I was so terrible
a bad egg
from a grand hen
til I felt just as rotten
and the rottenness spilt through me
as the milk that was spilt
was a heinous crime
til my heart was broken
so broken from the prime
when my sister left
when she ran away from home
to leave me in your hands
and the new brunt of your plans
to make a new cinderella hurt
to cover her in dried up dirt
after you built me up again
only to knock me down again
til my identity was very blurred
not knowing; am I good or bad?
my heart was tossed around in a frying pan
then from the frying pan, to the fire
whence it feels so incredibly dire
whence the background going unsaid
is of a million tears, that were now and then shed
but now, I've had enough
and my anger flows red
as I build my gate and attach a lock
as I vow now to truly
put up the block
that I so graciously ignored
when I tried to keep the peace
while continuing to hoard
whence the deepest pain was stored
and it was to be done away with
I can no longer live, with a myth
of unconditional love
when I know better
so I call on strength
from up above
to grant me the serenity
to set a long overdue boundary
that will finally set me free
and allow me to rebuild
for the hole in my heart to be filled
so I can stand up
for me

Rose Whitson-Guedes Au

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