more recent update: http://ssabucommunity.blogspot.ca/2014/02/breaking-my-silence-update-1.html
The actual report from "Breaking My Silence" (minus names)
I am copying and editing a comment in response to a question which prompted me to break my silence about the painful event that occurred a couple months ago now. I have been trying for a few days now to find the right words, and this is the best I can come up with. I did not, and could not, process it properly. It has nearly broken me apart and threatened to shut down what I have, and was/am working towards. However, I have chosen to not allow it to destroy me any further. I now realize that is actually a classic example of an Aspergirl in a not so ideal state, getting misinterpreted and judged very harshly. I was too ashamed and hurting to see it before.
It was a hard hit to take, when I was and am (more than ever since this setback) admittedly still not through my inner conflicts/traumas as it is. Outside The Box is and always will be part of my mission to heal, make reasonable sense of things; the fact that I'm autistic and that many of us are (and what this means) and to ultimately find peace. For others, our Au community; to help others, and in turn help others...
I was having a hard time mentally dealing with my health and chronic pain issues, and not coping all the best. I was falling back into medicating. I was frustrated. I felt so held back... helpless by a lack of finances for alternative healthcare that I need and isn't covered, no support in the public system, and scared by it..albeit trying to put on a good face. On top of that my extend family members were getting to my head and being toxic, which is complicated and in which at the time I didn't quite see. I went for help and received the most extreme harshness one could ever imagine. I was not doing so good in my presentation there, and this was (rather than understood) judged and misinterpreted in the worst way possible. I think I am ready to share this. I feel I need to get this out, in hopes of getting some support from Au community/friends. It's not just support for me, but support for taking a stance against this kind of thing. I am (maybe naively?) trusting that people, especially those who know and love me well enough, will get my true drift. My brain lacks that theory of mind, but basically I think I'm just being a kid looking for a hug or something...some support, as well as eventual justice *sighs*.
In the mean time, peace has to be made with myself and the universe. I don't feel I'm trying to victimize myself really..I'm just trying to share what's not okay. Like the communal blog, It's Not Okay; which I started because of this. It's for aspies to share stories of how they have been misunderstood too. I get that I sorta got myself into this; but I was pushed from lack of support even before this attack. I just don't understand why, when somebody sees somebody struggling, they don't offer understanding and compassion. This is the way I operate, but I guess many don't. *sigh* Anyways, Here what the comment spurred, containing what happened in march:
I have a lawyer on board to help me at this time, and he's my dad. Although he is retired he can still advise and support me; it's for a very serious issue regarding a brutal, defamatory and incredibly untrue misdiagnosis. It was made by a psychiatrist, whom I had only agreed to see because I was told she might be "helpful" to me ie. how my health and situational stressors have been affecting me. Instead, she basically shot me in the f*cking leg which, in the position I am in, seems pretty sadistic.
I'm having a hard time with the fact that someone could do that to someone else who is asking for help and already weakened/reaching out. I feel it is lacking empathy to the point of cruelty... (and they say aspies lack empathy??) It's the pot calling the kettle black really. It's actually mind blowing. There's a battle before me; that I have to fight without fighting in a way that'll paralyze or destroy me first.
I need removed something very serious, untrue, and safety compromising from my file. I have to share it now. Observe the horrific "report"(minus the actual name of the "professional" responsible) which I guarantee you'll be disgusted by (if you know anything about ASC especially) here: http://itisnotokaywithus.blogspot.ca/2013/10/the-actual-report-from-breaking-my.html)
So this woman implied, on my public file, that I am a sick in the head; a narcissist, pathological, borderline who has "factitious disorder; of both the physical and psychological type." It means I am "fake"; I am not real in any way. I make up all my health issues (umm..i have actual proof of them, including X-rays that show injury hence chronic pain) and may go as far as to do thing to make myself sick on purpose. It is described that I "enjoy talking about decontexualized medical information on which "she believes to be expertise" (because I talk about holistic health and the autoimmune autism connection.) Yes, I was branded a fraud and a fake; I have "created my own fantasy life of now and the past, of being "A girl outside the box; with late diagnosed aspergers' (in which i have convinced myself that i have).
Even worse; I have faux PTSD...it's implied that I've made in my "sick head" a fake past of having been through "hardships" including sexual assault. It's written that "she says she is 'suffering from the Triple Ms in which she deems Misunderstood, Misinterpreted, Misdiagnosed"...the term that I had coined (not to "think I'm so smart") to describe what aspies like me go through. It, and I, am completely ridiculed. Basically, it's written that everything I really did go through and have been earnestly trying to heal from is a lie and never f*cking happened. Everthing that I shared from the heart to this woman, in trust and naiveté, has been perverted in words. Words that went into my heart like a dagger.
Anyways I won't repeat them all, or I might throw up. It's actually caused me to have a month long meltdown in which my self care has been extremely challenged. I'm only human. I'm a pretty strong person but this thing has driven me (almost) over the edge. I created a blog called It's Not Okay, because of this. It's for aspies to tell their horror stories. But, if I break apart, I have nowhere to go because the psych facilities have this right on their file, hence you can imagine how I'd be treated. It's the same if I had an actual medical emergency. Just to top it off, she went on to say something horrific, because i talked about gluten/dairy free diet, and the kids' maybe having Ehlers-Danlos (in which the paediatrician told me; they are referred to genetics by him.) She wrote
she is "concerned about how I extend my need to be sick onto my children and could be developing munchausens' by proxy." This then extends her defamation to my innocent kids, because if something were to happen to them, and I needed to take them to the hospital for real; this is how the situation would be erroneously treated.
I'm finally breaking my silence because this is outrageous and I am preparing an addendum file package which includes actual medical proof that I actually do have fibro, athritis, and EDS; and hopefully too, a support letter from my paediatrician (gosh the info i told her came from him not me!) after we see him again in June.
I have not one, but 3 reports diagnosing and confirming my Aspergers. I have acceptance into a support program which is hard to get into, and only if they confirm you truly are eligible. Honestly...this person went way too far and I believe justice has to prevail somehow. I am actually going to my fathers' this coming week for 5 days.
He lives by the beach, and I need the powers of nature at this time, to recover enough to try and regain some composure and process this hellish ordeal in quiet. This is so I can be in a better shape for my family.
We are putting the file together then because I got very close to a serious breaking point. It'll help me feel like things are moving towards righting this wrong, and be calming for that reason. I'm a pretty strong person but I think most people would agree that the way I feel is a bit understandable?
I have to remember that I know the truth in my heart, and that if I the let the anger, extreme hurt, and grief which I have get turned onto myself take me down any longer; I will not make it. So I have to get up and continue on what I was doing, and what I love doing; being an Au self advocate, a mama, a writer/poet, and sharing my true story of experience, and help others.
I have to TRY and PRAY to do it in love and peace, and without "fighting fire with fire." The only way for me to get through this is to basically be Ghandi or something. I have to have faith that I'll make it, and that this will get turned around. I also feel I should use this as a horrific example of just how badly an Aspergirl can get misunderstood and mistreated by the system. I know I made some mistakes myself. First of all, I naively overshared with her thinking she would be helpful to me for real. I was also in a slump and an over obsessive depression regarding my health. I was feeling that I was getting nowhere with my Dr; support from him, or rather the healthcare system (which i need to accept will never be an option for healing, it's just about pills.) I was perseverating. Worst of all, I have sensory processing issues that i'm only beginning to understand. This makes it difficult, sometimes, to determine more specifically where my pain is coming from; leaving me to try and guess. It's complicated but I come by that honestly...this is not pathological! It at least partially based in reality; though sometimes things may feel worse than they are. In retrospect, some things may feel less severe than they may end up being; and this has happened before (and, it's traumatized me into hyper vigilance).) Honestly, I really was expecting her to offer me actual help and guidance; not a dagger wound in which has, over the past month, become infected. I have to survive this. It's time to take a few days at my dads', by the beach..to meditate, pray, be healthy again, and trust in the universe. I have no option if I choose life, and I do. My kids need me, and I need to keep doing what I was doing; because it's the TRUTH. I can't lose what I had. So there it is. This is the first time i've found words for it. Words for this absolute nightmare which I felt like I could never wake up from. The first time since it happened...and I needed to get it out.
*Unfortunately, I have removed the link to the RateMyMD website, where there are many complaints/stories from other people whom this woman has terrorized. As much as I am tempted to share that I am not the only one whose been abused by this "professional," I have decided that I have to refrain from mentioning the name for my own safety.
What I taped a few days after reading
(what I taped 5 weeks after reading, when I decided to go back home as I had to go to my fathers for a week) "Ready To Heal" (well, I wasn't..but I tried) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsLnhbWRjrU