My thoughts on Professionals and their meddling impacts on my personal journey of growth. By Ayla

I decided to write about my experiences with various professionals over the years and I have seen several. I have had good experiences, bad experiences and downright traumatic experiences. I think it is important for me to write about them. I am hoping sharing my experiences will help others to be careful when it comes to choosing the right professional for themselves. Some professionals really are not necessarily helpful or supportive, which is unfortunate given their position and the fact they are meant to be helping people and working with people, not against.

I have generalised my experiences and this is not about any one professional but a summary of what I have experienced over the years of therapy that I have had. 

They have:

Invalidated my life's journey and experience

Ignored my self-knowledge and how self-aware I am (I'm not bragging or being arrogant). I really am quite self-aware and open to learning ways of improving myself but at my pace and in a way that suits me.

Told me I'm making up issues to get attention and that I don't need counselling.

Told me I can't possibly be depressed because I'm smiling, laughing and being social in the first appointment. Which I now realise is due to inappropriate effect.

Taken advantage of my naivety and vulnerability which is due to me not being able to read faces, unsaid rules and body language. I take people at face value - how they present themselves is how I think they are. So when they do the opposite of how they present themselves (their good side) to me. I'm shocked, hurt and traumatised. It is incredibly difficult for me to comprehend and understand why a person (any person, not just professionals) would do this.

Don't really listen to me.

Think they know better than I do.

Pushed me into doing things I'm not ready to do. Didn't give me time to think about it and process it.

Thankfully, not professionals all are like this. Some are really good and have helped me in my life's journey.

My ideal therapist would be someone who sees me as the professional of my own life and that their job is to guide me by asking me the right questions to expand my thinking and self-awareness.

Narrative therapy is what I believe is best for me. I intend to find a good narrative therapist when I am ready. 

My GP told me that I'm very smart, self-aware and will work things out for myself in a way that suits me. She agrees with me that I don't need to see a therapist right now. I did try to organise seeing a psychologist but I found the whole process of organizing to see one too triggering, stressful and upsetting. I've decided that I am far better off not seeing one right now. I have found that they tend to disrupt my process of healing, growing and learning.

I find I have to heal and recover from the damage some professional have caused me by how they treated me or let me down. Some of the experiences have been very painful and traumatic for me, which is very unfortunate.

I am happy with who I am, finally. My diagnosis gave me a new understanding of myself which in turn gave me permission to accept myself. Prior to that I hated myself and all the things I thought were wrong with me. I became obsessed with trying to be normal. I nearly lost who I was as a result. I do not want to ever go back to what I was like pre-understanding of who I really was. I've finally accepted myself with my imperfections. I'm happy figuring things out for myself, at my pace and in my own way. I've done this most of my life. It's how I work best.

My mum and GP support my choice to heal, grow and learn at my pace. I'm incredibly grateful for their support and understanding.

An example of me figuring something out on my own.

E.g. I recently read about Emotional freedom techniques 

I have heard of it but I didn't know much about it. I must have been ready to learn more about it as I read about it and had a light bulb moment. It seems to me to be a mix of meditation (repeating a phrase) and stimming (repetitively rubbing pressure points). Perhaps it could be considered advanced stimming. That's my opinion.

I've been trying EFT when I'm triggered by flashbacks of bad experiences, emotionally over loaded or anxious and it helps me calm down. I rub the pressure point between my thumb and index finger, focus on my breath and repeat 'All shall be well.' I was able to calm down easily and get on with my day. I'm very grateful that I read about EFT and decided to give it a try.

Ideally I would like to have a group of autistic women of various ages meet in person and online to support, guide and mentor each other without a professional present. I think that is the best way for Autistic women to learn and grow together. We understand each other and tend to have a deep empathetic respect for each other and our individual journeys. 

Note: I am not saying don't see professionals as there are definitely good ones out there. I have come to realise that this decision is best for me. It may not work for others. I encourage others to be mindful of the professionals that they do see. 

Check them out, ask them questions 

Find out if they have knowledge and understanding of Autistic adults. 




Remember you are paying the professional to support and help you. If you don't feel that they are helping you then you have a right to stop seeing them and find another professional who is more suited to what you need. You are after all paying them to do their job, if you feel that they aren't doing their job, then you have a right to walk away. It's your life, your money and your mental health that is most important. If they aren't helping you overall then find another. It's that simple.

-Ayla

Contentment with Neurodiversity - a poignant poem

I wrote this poem a few weeks ago after I had a traumatic experience with a professional I am seeing. It was not intended to be traumatic, it is just how it happened and how sensitive/fragile I am. It stemmed from a clashing of views about pathologising and neurodiversity.

Contentment with Neurodiversity.

I'm actually quite happy

living my life

in a way which suits me

I don't need a box

to fit me in, to hold me

I've often been told

to change who I am

to fit in

to stop being me

to be another

who ticks off the right boxes

I'm actually quite happy

being imperfect me

I don't need a set of boxes

to tick off

to hold me captive

to mould me into another creature

I know who I am

I am quite aware

of my limits and differences

that set me apart

I like it that way

it is who I am

who I've come to accept and love

I've tried being normal 

whatever that means

it made my brain hurt

I wanted to die

I had no hope

then I found out

there's a reason I'm me

a reason I do things

the way that I do

relief and hope fills me

I am not alone

in being this way

there are many others

I connect and learn

all that I can

form many friendships

learn from others

lead others

encourage others

I'm neurodiverse

I like it that way

I don't need fixing

I am not broken

I am who I am

I like who I am

finally, at long last.

-Ayla

Further reading:

Throwing away the Master's tools: Liberating ourselves from the pathology paradigm by Nick Walker.

So, why am I a "bully magnet"?

I know exactly what it is about you.
Honesty, sincerity, intelligence, those three things alone are evil, superstitious, pseudo-religious beliefs to the typical, modern, media programmed homo sapiens sapiens.
We are a direct threat.
It's a threat to their comfort, their beliefs, their lives, and ultimately, their existential footprint from floor to ceiling.
Apeish impulses dominate a darwinistic cosmology.
Reason and virtue are archaic and obsolete principles to imbeciles with guns.

-Moon Trawl

C.s' story

I was and am more androgynous and in gender surveys read more male. However, I appear feminine and my special interest is decorating and what makes people tick (that is, processing... to the point that it appears obsessive to others). That interest in decorating came early and I think the obsessive need to process came from trying so hard to understand people and of course, I share the constant search for identity (I finally feel pretty settled in that regard). 

I never understood intense interest in girl or boy things--I found the whole gender thing silly. I didn't understand doll play, though I liked the idea of a baby doll substituting for the one day baby I wanted even though I didn't play with dolls. (And never had.) I felt compelled to possess some of the things my "girl friends" obsessed about (e.g., all things Barbie)--because that's what girls did and I was a girl--, but I didn't know what to do with them and didn't derive the pleasure from having the possessions that my friends seemed to derive. Doing most "girl" things left me feeling flat and I thought GI Joe as stupid as Barbie. I preferred being physical and was naturally athletic even though I was dismissed by even the tomboys because I was slight--I wasn't given the opportunity to show my ability to have both power and grace in directed action, which was unlike my general clumsiness. 

And like you, at school my penmanship and neatness skills were criticized. It hurt to write and I couldn't keep my desk organized to save my life. Everything was just stuffed in my desk and lockers. (Meanwhile, my clothes drawers were very neat because that sort of organization was easy.)

While I disliked school, I enjoyed playing school because it helped me make sense of something that at least had some structure. Structure made me feel safer than being in unstructured settings even if I had trouble fitting. If I played house, I had to be the father so I could hide behind a pretend newspaper because I didn't know how to play with other kids in a way that made sense to them. 

Essentially, I mostly lived in my head and ran around and sang to burn up energy. 

And yes, it took me forever (into my 50s) to understand the problem I had with reading faces--actually, it took two teenagers moving in with me who were not skilled at hiding their emotions like many teens... I found them so much easier to read than most adults because their facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and words all matched. They weren't invested in maintaining a persona--an idealized image of themselves that did not hold up to their reality. 

My instinct in knowing someone didn't care for me worked when I'd first meet people, but it derails if someone is in relationship with me in some way. I literally could not/cannot tell when a relationship is going off the rails. I pick up on stuff but can't make sense of it in relation to the relationship. I'm forthright, give people the benefit of the doubt (beyond what is self protective), and either don't make negative assumptions about others or check them out (or let them go), and it makes sense to me that this is what you do when you care for someone. Apparently, it's not the way a lot of NTs work.

My learning not to take responsibility for others (because I don't know how to read them) has been mistaken for being narcissistic. When you have to choose between being responsible for everything (i.e., apologizing, worrying, etc.) and allowing others to be responsible and yet also lack the ability to discern when it might be appropriate to check in with people, or worse, not recognize when that someone is covering up or being indirect when you do check in with them, people don't see that as your being unskilled in that area (not when you are gifted at processing experiences that are described in words), they see your inability to read them as intentional and self centered. Well, yes, it was intentional not to kill myself with worry over what I couldn't understand. Expecting other people to be adults and directly communicate was not such a bad idea, but not knowing I had Asperger's meant that I couldn't read their indirect attempts at communication and I didn't know what I was missing. 

I think that, given my own interest in communication and actually developing and providing communication workshops, that we Aspies probably make up a good number of the people who advocate for more direct communication (and authenticity) in the NT world. And many of us are probably undiagnosed like I was. Providing workshops was a way for me to engage people in a scripted manner. Again, it was a safe way to connect with others because of the structure. 

:D I also read the dictionary for fun and self defense. I found insults using big words that the bullies didn't understand and delivered with a smile (probably a crazed one) intimidated most bullies and made them leave me alone. 

Sorry for the long response... I think I just needed to write that out. :P

*I also appreciated this, as it has been my experience: "The best cure for an autistic-feminine moodswing is awareness of the triggers and knowing what helps to get through it/calm down...and also the awareness that autistics are more sensitive and reactive to things such as imbalanced hormones and such." When my father died in my mid 20s--my first such loss--, I was diagnosed as bipolar. I rejected that diagnosis because I knew it was not true. I'd become aware of the negative messages I'd internalized and how they acted as triggers and the need to develop skills so that I could be in charge of my moods. I was right. My moods evened out, and I find intense feelings to be more related to huge life events and even then, I've become (mostly) skilled at coping. 

-C.