Monday, December 9, 2013

Pray For Freedom



So hard to keep up
so much to do
so many to answer
so staminas few
so trying to fight it
no financial, to back endeavors
so little to work with
so many barriers...

so riddled with pain
so shivering in the rain
so wanting to have my body
the way it was, again
so I fight back, in vain...

so no-basic-needs, without a fight
so over my head sometimes
so need to make sure my kids are ok
schools' being hard on my younger son
for his ADD
which isn't designated
and he needs an EA...

another fight
another spree
'cause I don't want him to hurt like me...
and I wouldn't have to fight
if my talents would just be recognized
into a passionate career so free…
financially free
body-better free
a real life for my family…

when I had my physical health, it was all so buried
through abuse and neglect
and now I know the real me!
but my body traps, what the truth had freed
and over it, I brood and I bleed…
‘cause I’m here
and I be
and I've something to say!
Something to show you
I'm on my way!
But…

I got burnt out from a performance;
being a girl, who wasn’t me
being dumbed down, repressed, dehumanized
years on end
day by day
flee by flee

Then I numbed my tears with poison
and my strength began to sway
'til I fell to the ground
and the truth came too late

Now, my body’s trying to stop me
my body’s trying to take my life away
they call it fibromyalgia
and some awoken bad genes
through shock and trauma
most of which I can't repeat..

so yeah, my heart bleeds
it just bleeds and bleeds
and I’m on my knees
asking God for mercy
grant me mercy
breathe into me
bring me back, to Full Life…
but how..
when there's so few spoons
so much to distribute
it's barely possible right now...

I still hang onto my belief
I can't relinquish my dream
but so tired of these people
who don't get what autism means
nor can they hear a zebra crying
so tired of wasting energy, trying
reaching up from the bottom, half-dying...

so tired of trying to find the words
for patterns all before me
that I now so clearly see
but can't share, separate of my grief
and my script all too often repeats...
and I want to increase my knowledge
to find out what I missed in a college
that was never to be...

No, not special-interest-to-survive
Information, yes! to learn and thrive!
history, physics, biology
all kinds!
but where's the time?
‘cause you know what?
I dropped out in grade nine!
Oh don’t you know my pain?
when they couldn't see me pine
I left it all behind
in vain
and now I am for real; behind
as is the hole in my heart
which is covered with false pride...

I want a fascination cleanse
not OCD-survival toxic
I want to heal the pain
That I keep inside
as much as I can deny
‘cause there wouldn’t be enough tears
for the cry...

These stupid people in power
who don’t get it, or do they?
kept me gasping for air all the time
with a purse full of dimes
in a closet, with wine
and what was my crime?
being broken from the prime..

they threw me up in the sky
and down to the ocean
from knee high
like the Trunchbull
to Matilda
and because of it
I had to play cards
and I'm swimming so hard
and I hope I don't fatigue
enough to lapse in the lore
in which I need, to get out
to reach the sanctuaried shore

So little energy
never finding enough
so hooked on caffeine
to keep up
so sleep screwed
so rough

so hard on my body
so wanting to relax
but how can I
amidst the lobby
where I hear the clock tick so loudly
because I know just how good
it could all be
If I had the chance
TO JUST BE
before weakness
overtakes my body
or so it seems
to be on the horizon
'less I do something...

So tired of interruptions
torn between everything
feeling like an interruption
until my “mission” feels complete
I cannot have my time wasted
with cream
I need to get to my dream
in which means; redeem!
feel like I’ve only got time
to build a machine

So tired of trying to grasp executive functioning
amidst a musty haze
so, where's my lighthouse?
where's out of this cave?
and where’s my Annie Sullivan?
to hold me down, as I rage
to get to my pain
and make me engage
and where’s my Mary Poppins?
to lovingly help me behave
and where’s my Miss Honey?
for what I unspeakably crave...
and where’s my Tuxedo Mask?
let's not even go there..

Oh, sometimes, I see them
appear in the air
but it's just a dream
and how can I find them
I've searched far and wide
but I'm starting to realize
the only place they may be
if at all
is within me...

I'm so overwhelmed ...
and, really, I'm sorry..
I thought wallowing together was the key
but that won't bring the right glory
no
that won’t set us free...
so, I don't mean to forsake
I’m just figuring out
how to use my rake
for all the fallen leaves
must not flow with the breeze
they must be contained
and them, not I
must be burned at the stake
so I must awake...

but I want to do it all NOW
unheeding
oh so stubbornly
I feel like, in a way
I'm allowed to have my cake
if in a certain way, I bake
So I keep turning this rubix cube
‘cause I don’t want to give up
though neither run like a chicken
with it’s head cut off..

easier said than done
to so gracefully run
not like one whose being chased
but how the AC ventilates
do I even have the capacity it takes?
I have autism…
I'll it again
Do you believe it?
yeah...
here we go again...

But I’d come to think
that it was my friend
this mind of mine...
and so it can be
but it’s a double edged sword
when my brain is bored
with everything but the Silver Sword

Specific and chiseled
am I fighting it still?
I just don’t understand it
as much as I thought
I'd had my fill
of thinking I could've known it all
not alongside a fibromyalgia fall
and now, I crawl...

God omighty
This is a feat
crawling up a mountain
so steep
being a flower: to steep
to die, or make tea
I am coming to thee...

Oh, I didn’t know, until it was felt
almost too late
same with my health too...
so walk in my shoes
don’t judge me by my little rouse
that I can’t help but perpetually do
and it’s not to fool
it’s just me, all the way through

I’m top notch about it all
‘til my body’s copping out
to the point where it could reveal
which to one, might seem surreal
I suppose
so I'm on my toes
Sensing the expectation
or otherwise damnation
and you’ll never see me then
whence I disappear..
with autism, FM, and my cries
and a gene that makes my tissues
like a butterfly

yet a butterfly
with a combat shield
an adorned one at that
with what will then yield
the skill of adorning
so visually distracting
people just can’t seem to see
how limited and fragile
I truly be

So why do i do it?
why do I hide
behind
to feel good, to stay dry eyed
and in control, whence it matters
ittle do they know...
I'm becoming the Mad Hatter
inside

even my behavior is adorned
with the butterfly
perched on a dictionary
memorized
unable to bare fragility in flight
impossible to see how unwell I feel and be
so it sounds like whining
when I’m honest in words
about the degree...

I had to survive a dystopian hell
devoid of trustworthy help
I got kicked, if I yelped
so I ran to the alley
if I had to cry freely
once upon a time...

now I can’t help but be this way
and why should I not have pride?
why should I give up, and cease, and lie
down on a bed that says "sick" on the drapes
confined to a sanitoria
no way
not in my caste
especially
what a life-waste...


So give up my ruthless drive
to stay what I call alive
because people won’t believe me otherwise?
oh please!
can’t people see past the trees?
‘less I literally collapse by surprise
I cannot be sick, or exhausted
before others’ eyes…
nor of permanent demise
and I can't speak, in acute state
so I hide
but does that mean I lie?

So good at fooling
I accidentally fool myself
to a detrimental degree
but what part can't be helped
in order to make the quota
I march on with iota
and then turn it into beans..
and so few people GET IT
as the barriers upon barriers build
whence interruptions again
enact in the breeze, with a chill...

whatever the beast is
I need to tame it for real
but how can one heal
from the muscle that wears
from the rips and tears
by thrashing rapids in the river
where I need to swim hither
to finally reach the shore

and I care so much
though direct connection, I've become poor 
when I can't please, respond, and save
the way I wanted to
anymore
my heart feels so sore
'less I explain
it's not personal
and about my primary purpose
because it’s love at the core
and not fear at the core
or we attract it more…

As it is; the sick status quo
but I can’t be the one
to sing with one “Oh Mr. Sun”
for change to be won
we must sing in many numbers
therefore
can’t be one on one
it's impossible, with everyone
so it drains me, 'til day is done..

and then I shut down
and I am depleted
with no energy left
to have mission completed
and hence, feel defeated

I have to get up
and do something differently
and set a boundary
out of love
out of need..

and part of this is my own doing
but part of this is not my fault
though the formers’ come by honestly
from my circumstantial disability

oh, how can I fully see
how to separate it all
ironic how I need to
and if not I fall
and though it’s so hard
with the pictures in shards
it is so relieving
if I find the bard...
and paint what I see; on cards
to organize the shards
but, damn, it's so hard!


So complex how it works
with a million quirks
amongst a hundred greats
and what’s it gonna take?
to finish my rake..
and how can I help
if I can't help myself first
'cause I can't quench my thirst
by jumping in the lake

I can't let myself down
into a sea of martyrdom
I have to find a better way
I gotta pray for freedom...

Rose Guedes, Dec 10, 2013
www.agirloutsidethebox.com

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